Due to my good fortune in life, I have always thought of anniversaries as celebrations of happy moments. Birthdays, the day Hale and I met, siblings’ wedding anniversaries, etc. I don’t turn the sad things into anniversaries – I refuse to remember what day my dad died and instead hold his memories extra close on his birthday and father’s day. So does it fit with my ethos to recognize the yearly milestone of when we learned I had cancer?
I say yes, because a year ago I didn’t know if I would make it to today. And not only have we made it here, I am healthy and strong, and for the moment, cancer is only minimally controlling our lives.
In September, I had another “all good for now” set of bloodwork, scans and physical exam with my oncologist. In October, I had a complete heart workup, also with good results. In fact, I scored high marks on my stress test 🙂
I need to return to Portland every 3 months for a visit with Dr S, bloodwork and scans, but in between I am clear to travel internationally in easy to reach countries that provide access to modern medical facilities and English speaking oncologists.
Do I go weeks without thinking about cancer now? Ha, that’s funny. Not even a whole day, but certainly hours on end pass me by without it crossing my mind. Nine months ago I couldn’t make it minutes.
Do I believe that it’s all over? That taking out the tumor was the same as removing an appendix? No, although there are people close to me who choose to think that way – whether out of stoicism or self-defense, I can’t say…I can only say that is definitely not my reality.
Over the course of this year, I have slowly progressed from:
- abject fear that I would be dead before my next birthday,
- to relief when the surgery revealed that things weren’t nearly as dire as expected,
- to lack of any faith in the optimistic pathology when so many strange post-op complications kept occurring for months,
- to gradual trust that they had indeed gotten all the cancerous material out but that it was already re-growing,
- to confidence that all is clear currently but also absolute certainty that it will return in a more virulent form,
- and finally to cautious optimism that a recurrence is not inevitable, paired with realism that if it does come back, it will be very difficult to fight due to the type of cancer I have.
My overarching state of mind is acceptance that all we know for certain is that today I am healthy. And some level of acceptance that we can’t know what next month will bring.
I have an amazing partner that is 100% supportive in every way. (Plus he never makes me feel that my doctor’s schedule is impeding on our unique life.) I am virtually embraced by the loving arms of family and friends. I have good health insurance. I have the best oncologist in the world. I have the confidence that every three months I will receive a thorough check and if I do have a recurrence, it will be caught quickly. I have the time and capacity to work hard to stay fit so I can be strong if I need further treatment. In short, I have everything going for me.
So we carry on and get back to enjoying live life while mostly ignoring the scary monster that may or may not be hiding under the bed.
Right now we’re kicking around the northwest corner of Washington State awaiting my early December oncology visit. Then we are off to Europe. We’ll be spending our next three month stint in Portugal and Andalucia, Spain, before returning in March to see Dr S.
I’ve not been timely in updating this blog so I will pre-emptively say that if you don’t see a post from us, assume that we are too busy enjoying life to write. In other words, assume no news is good news.
